I Over Thought This


Accepting things about yourself that contravene your identity is painful.

I see… I saw myself as a someone who gets things done. Who could wrangle all of the required things together to achieve any goal. That the only thing between me and something I lack the skills to do is either learning or team members.

Reality is harsh though. At this point in my life I’m not capable of any good wrangling. I struggle to organize myself, let alone even a semi-complex project composed of moving parts and people. I can’t even get the washing done let alone your app.

It’s something that I may have been battling with for most of my life. An inability to derive and execute on high level strategic plans. To return to projects and finish things. To push myself to do things that have long term value but short term are, well, quite boring.

It’s manifested in my relationships a number of times. Friends, romantic and family. Being late, forgetting agreements, getting distracted, procrastination. As I write this it’s been hurting my romantic relationship the most. My partner doesn’t feel appreciated. That I don’t value their time.

A common situation that occurs is: We have a lazy Sunday afternoon, no plans but perhaps a few things we could / should do; I get inspired to work on a thing which could require my attention for many hours, likely something I want to do; I start to work on it, perhaps playing music, a game, some interesting / pressing work; my partner things “What am I meant to do with my time now? I have no plans and I’ve no idea how long Jasper will be. I want to spend time with him but I want to allow him to have the space he needs”.

If I had a plan I’d be able to say “I only need an hour for this” or “This will take me some time, lets hang out now and I’ll have a crack at it later”. I’m scared of committing to that hour though, what if it takes longer? I’m scared of committing to the whole day because I don’t want my partner to be suddnely left alone. I’m scared of pushing it off until later because I worry I won’t remember or I won’t feel like doing it. I won’t be inspired.

I’m torn between the need to make time for my partner and getting things that are ultimately strategically important for me, done.

The real answer is to plan time. Communicate those plans. To develop self dicispline and use it to turn on and off my attention.

Unfortunately I really struggle with that. All of that. From developing longer term strategic plans, repeatedly comming back to those plans to work towards the goals, planning the time to work on them and communicating those plans. I on’t trust myself to do it. I’ll get distracted. I’ll loose focus. I need to do it now otherwise I might never do it.

I am disorganized.

How will I ever be the person I want to be if I’m disorganized? That’s really painful to admit.

I’m not though really. Sometimes I am very organized. Sometimes I can do all of the things required to get things done. I’m just struggling right now. I’ve struggled in the past. My interpretation of my current situation is not simply a label that perpetuates for all of time. People change. I will change. I’m just currently struggling with my organization.

In that day since this admission / realization I’ve found some power in it. I know it’s a problem so I can focus on it. I can justify expending time and energy on improving my organization because “I’m struggling with my organization right now”. I won’t always be disorganized (which might render my time spent wasted).

I’m struggling with my organization right now and that’s ok. It, like all things, will pass.