I Over Thought This

A personal website and blog.


Terrified

I’m pretty terrfied of being wrong. I think it has something to do with my identity being partially based on the notion that I am smart, which implies that I am right.

Likely the effect of being told “you’re so smart/inteilligent” as a child, I’ve developed a phobia of doing things which could, potentially, lead to other people not thinking “oh, he’s smart”.

Admitting this is fairly hard. Writing this on a post that is publicly associated with my name is even harder. I’m explicitly labelling myself in a way which underminds the perception I crave. I avoid difficult things incase I fail them and you all think I’m stupid (or, more likely, don’t think I’m smart).

Objectively, it’s a little rediculous but my thoughts aren’t objective. They are relative to me. Who I think I am, who I want to be etc.

Beyond the discomfort this realization has left me with there is the damaging impact it has on my behavior. I don’t put my self out there because I’m terrified of being wrong and not being seen as smart. I don’t post most of the posts I write. I don’t publish much of the music I write. I don’t ask for help from others. I don’t offer help to others. All to protect a slither of my identity formed when I was a tiny person.

I think it’s something I’d like to move beyond to be honest and I am admittedly quite far on that journey. Theres still more ground to cover though. I’d like to be at peace with being wrong. At peace with others not thinking I’m smart. At peace with who I really am, not simply the facade I wear each day.